InstantHunter
-I'm A Mountain Top Water Drop
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The Glorious Story Of Pontoon Cat - by Sean Hunter
The Glorious Story of Pontoon Cat
By Sean Hunter
You may think you know the story of Pontoon Cat, but you do not. So stop thinking you know everything, asshole. That is why books exist, so that people who think they know everything will shut up and do something else while regular people build Home Depots and drive cars around pretending to be busy so they don’t have to go home to their empty marriages.
Pontoon Cat lived by the docks. What business does a cat have hanging out by the docks, you ask? Again, shut the fuck up with all your questions because this is reading time not “asking stupid asshole questions time”. Pontoon Cat lived by the docks because when he was a kitten, Pontoon Cat was a filthy criminal. He thought he was hot shit and stole a bunch of money from the other cats. Pontoon Cat always lied about stealing and blamed the rampant looting on dogs. A likely scapegoat (scapedog). When the Grand Inspector General Cat found out that Pontoon Cat was the actual thief, and not the 9 dogs they had murdered, he was exiled to the docks.
Pontoon Cat deserved it because he was an asshole, just like you. You’re an asshole. Suck an egg and die.
THE END!
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A Chort Story - by Sean Hunter
A Chort Story
By Sean Hunter
It was a Tuesday, I do recall. There was snow on the ground because the previous night, Monday, the clouds tried to make rain but fucked up and snow came out. I don’t particularly like snow unless you pour juice on it and make it juice-snow. I was sitting in the foyer reading books about American politics. I remember finding the books hard to read because every sentence began with an ” I ” statement and they spaced their quotations oddly. I was becoming bored with the issues of 19 century trade agreements when there came a knock at my door. Sliding off my easy chair I made my way to the grand entrance hall of my 8th floor loft apartment. My ass felt cold. Just a fact worth noting as, generally speaking, I keep my ass warm. It was just out of the ordinary for me, you see. Perhaps I should have taken my “cold-ass” event as a sign because when I opened the door the neighborhood doctor was wiping off his shoes on my door mat. The door mat said “Pussies Welcome!” and had a picture of a cat. Cat’s, or felines as they are sometimes called, can also be called pussy. Pussy is also a vagina. Vaginas are lady pee pees. So you see, it was quite a funny door mat and I wasn’t excited to see my pussy getting snow (juice-less) all over it.
“What is it that you want, doctor?” I said.
“Hello narrator I am here to inform you that you have Crohn’s Disease. So I wanted to come by and make sure your internal organs are feeling clean and stuff” said the doctor.
“As a matter of fact, I’ve come down with a case of cold-ass just right this moment now.”
I could feel love starting to blossom between us. The doctor was a woman, most people think doctors are men but sometimes they are also women. I felt it was necessary to explain this so that you didn’t think me a homosexual. I am not. Though I do not oppose the homosexual stuff, it’s just not my stuff generally speaking. Which of course, we are not speaking to each other but instead communicating through text. It would be a communication if you happened to respond to this short story. But communicating with someone and speaking to them are entirely different things. I am speaking to the doctor. Whom is a woman, even though I may have called her a man before. I also sometimes forget about equality and stuff.
She said, “Cold-ass is the first sign of Crohn’s Disease. I’m afraid we’ll have to operate in the morning. Or maybe give you some medication and counseling. I have no idea how to treat Crohn’s Disease because I am a woman doctor and they only teach man doctors that stuff.”
She then left and I went back to reading about American politics. It began to snow again.
THE END!
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You were right, comedians, Hot Pockets *ARE* hilarious.
Look at that. It’s hilarious.
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Nice catch, business man!
Coffe shops are perfect for enjoying some quite music over your headphones and reading up on all the days….HOLY SHIT!
I have a Tumblr so hipsters will sleep with me.
